The holidays are a great time to create family tensions–and this is before you factor in 20 months of stress from pandemics. However, with a little work (and plenty of breaths), it’s possible to find peace in the air.

I’ve noticed something happen to me whenever my older sister begins talking, regardless of what she’s discussing. My stomach gets tight, my face gets hot, and I feel the blood pumping through my ears. I start to become angry and critical, and with every word spoken, I can hear a subtle criticism of me and the lifestyle I lead. In essence, I go back completely and totally to my teenage self becoming extremely insecure and at war with my sister in search of the approval of our parents.

In my previous job as a family therapist, I was glad to learn that I’m not the only one in my experiences of spontaneous age-related regression. Others suffer from this same thing! Tolstoy stated that happy family members are alike, whereas every unhappier family has its particular unique way. However, with all respect to Tolstoy however, he wasn’t an expert in family therapy.

Every season of the holiday brings waves of people to therapy, each looking for answers to questions about conflict. What can I do to accept my mother’s warnings that I’m growing old in the tooth, and should I decide to gift her children, I have to get started right now? What could I do to avoid suffocating that sibling who cannot stop telling everyone that they’re so accomplished? What can I do to manage to be seated with That Homophobic Uncle at dinner time and again?

The current state in global events is likely to trigger new conflict between traditionally friendly families and add stress on previously divided families. How do Christmas dinner battles between right and left-wing family members look when the topic of canceled trans rights or culture are mentioned? These kinds of questions could be particularly challenging for those who haven’t been able to deal with large family gatherings for more than two years. COVID politics make life more difficult. However, COVID restrictions also have made us unprepared when it comes to dealing with challenging family members.

Family conflicts have a way to strike the heart difficult. It is often the cause of painful childhood memories. It can remain unresolved for a long time and often results in many of us being stuck with or hearing about relatives we do not like. What can we do to deal with this dilemma? Are you finding a resolution, or at the very least, reducing stress and tension? I believe so, but it often takes effort, self-reflection, and compromise.

How do we . . . Do you have to deal with the emotions?

Whatever your particular family conflict is, the possibility that it will bring an intense emotion even if you’re typically calm and collected. I’ve had psychotherapists who have been around for a long time and fearless CEOs as well as hardened activists who fell to tears over the words of a sibling or parent casually mentioned at dinner time.

Family members can profoundly influence us as they play an important part in shaping our perception of identity. Family members inform us whether we’re the perfect child or a mess, “too sensitive,” the infant or the black sheep, or even the one who is disappointed. We typically grow older and form new perceptions of our lives as adults; however, those old tales can come back and repeat themselves when we’re in the company of family members.

It’s important to remember that we’re not determined by how our family members view us or just by how we feel about our relatives. If being with the other sister of mine makes me feel like a second banana does not mean that I’m, in fact, second-best or that she views me in that way. I’ve had clients load their wallets or phones with notes containing the phrases they’d like to keep in mind, such as “My dad’s standards and self-worth are not the same aspects” or “I have the power to control my own life at present.”

If we take back our own story, family conflicts lose their emotional hold over us. We can start to change our old habits and act in fresh and more liberating ways. Instead of being angry towards a relative who claims the fact that we’re living up the potential we have, instead, we could react knowing that the parent may be feeling shame over their own perceived shortcomings. Instead of becoming angry about a friend who has “problematic” opinions on politics, We can safeguard ourselves by ensuring a solid boundary and being open to discussions that could influence their beliefs.

How do we . . . How do you handle safety concerns that could arise?

Many of us have been taught that conflict resolution involves being kind or allowing for undesirable behavior to keep the harmony of our family. This can be particularly difficult when there are potential dangers to safety, both physical and emotional are at stake. It is important to remember that an acceptable method of resolving conflicts is to cut off or reduce relationships, particularly when safety is in the balance.

It’s not necessary to submit yourself to eating Christmas dinners with someone who was infuriating to you, and you don’t need to let your children be with an adult who’s not COVID-vaccinated if you’re not at ease with the idea. You don’t have to give anyone explanations regarding your safety or the safety of your family members. You can decide which person and when to further discuss your concerns.

How do we . . . set boundaries?

Another main cause of conflict in the family is unrequited expectations or the pressure to adhere to expectations or values that don’t match our values and beliefs. Conflict of this kind typically is caused by issues such as having kids, careers, or the decision to come out as LGBTQ. If a family member begins to pressure you to perform a task you aren’t ready to do; you can try an easy two-step strategy; start by firmly and courteously defining the boundaries. And then, defend your boundaries against any efforts to challenge them.

Human nature is to push boundaries, and family members often are privileged to do this due to their the shared experiences. We are often taught that family bonds are a sort of ownership. We believe that because we know someone well and they are close to us, we’re free to disregard the social rules of respect and politeness that we would otherwise observe. Therefore, unsolicited advice or gossip and hurtful joking can negatively affect many families.

A boundary can be defined as an explicit statement of what you accept and aren’t. For many households, boundary lines are not spoken of, and you could be amazed at the effectiveness of this method alone is in stopping unwelcome behavior. Establishing effective boundaries requires being sincere and truthful while abstaining from threatening or threatening remarks. For instance, you can be able to say to parents who aren’t stopping trying to convince you to climb the property ladder, “I realize you’re trying to help; however, if you continue insisting that I buy the house, I’m not able to afford I feel uncomfortable. I want to shift the topic.”

A boundary is a moment when we take a stand after making such a declaration. It is a way of avoiding the numerous chances to revert to previous patterns of conversation or conflict. For example, if you have a friend who makes insulting remarks regarding your relationship and you aren’t willing to discuss it, do not engage in an argument about your relationship. Avoid common tactics they may employ to entice you to a heated argument, for example, “Stop being too delicate” or “I’m trying to engage in an exchange!” These comments are reflective of the person’s problems and not your own. Establish your boundaries and stay within it: alter the subject or explicitly state, “I’m asking that you stop trying to make me discuss this,” or go away if you need to.

How do we . . . How do you manage differences between political parties?

Family members and political conflicts can be challenging as they raise the fundamental question of what is right, wrong, good, and bad in a world that is amidst a society where people feel a deep sense of belonging and disapproval. If we inform someone in our family that their opinions on a controversial topic are not right and they are likely to be hearing us say–whether we are genuinely saying it or not, is, “You are a bad person, and you’re not a part of my family.” to my household.”

The management of family conflicts can take many ways. The ability to keep a distance, as an instance, is a great approach that is focused on safety. Sometimes, a disagreement with a family member is incredibly personal. It is so painful that it can affect one’s mental well-being, such as white family members making racist comments about relatives of someone of color. I would suggest keeping the proper distance and avoiding engagement in these instances since it is not likely to help.

In other situations, you may prefer to compromise. This is when you compromise by setting aside any political differences in the interest of your relationship and instead focusing on the common ground. What are the characteristics you enjoy about each other? What are the common interests you share? If possible, I recommend signing an explicit agreement to not engage in this kind of conflict in the event of possible political conflict that could become explosive. In time, this approach will strengthen trust and provide an underlying basis for building bridges.

In terms of bridge-building, it is beneficial to your relationships with your family and political views to engage in meaningful discussions about differences in political opinion. In the end, if you can assist your family members in knowing your beliefs, you may be able to change the way they view things. However, this approach takes patience as well as emotional skills. Instead of trying to convince them that you’re correct and they’re not most of the time, it’s better to begin by asking questions and being curious. What is the reason they hold the beliefs they do? What is the source of this belief? in the first place, and why is it important for them? What is the best way to convince them? This method is the most effective approach when dealing with family members that believe to are interested in establishing a solid, mutually beneficial relationship with you.

How do we . . . Repair fences?

Repairing relationships that have been damaged is among the most rewarding aspects of conflict management. Wouldn’t you love to walk around on eggshells anymore?

The process of repairing relationships typically begins with an invitation. The person who is inviting for the other person to have an honest conversation about the issues occurred. If the other person agrees, it is the following step of listening to the other’s stories to understand their needs, perspectives, and desires. Apologizing can aid in the process, but when you apologize, do not anticipate immediate forgiveness. Both repair and forgiveness are a process that may be lengthy. Don’t rush repair work to arrive at the “good” section, where you don’t feel bad. Make your repairs at the pace of confidence.

Family members indicate that they are looking to restore the relationship. They might ask for it in person, offer olive branches, or even throw eyes at you with longing gazes over the dinner table at an event with the family. These are great signs that the repair can be made. In other cases, neither party will be able to determine what they’d like until they’ve tried it. This type of fix requires the greatest amount of courage.

Rebuilding relationships requires an openness to negative feedback. In general, fixing isn’t going to work if you cannot listen to the other person’s perspective and discern the areas where they feel that things have gone wrong. That doesn’t mean you should blindly take everything that the other states, but to alter the dynamics of conflict, you must be able to validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their point of view.

Since being a mediator, it is often assumed that I have the expertise to resolve my conflicts. While I say that I’m proficient at entering into conflict, it’s the leaving aspect that I have to tackle. If there’s anything I’ve learned about conflict, it’s that even the most skilled and tactic can’t alter the behavior of family members. However, this has made conflict less frightening because I don’t have to gauge my success solely by what others think of me. I’m not able to control the way others perceive me. I’m able to focus on achieving the person I would like to be. I can forgive myself for my mistakes. And I can resolve to try to improve the next time.

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